31 May 2011

" I wish you enough sun to keep your attitude bright.
I wish you enough rain to appreciate the sun more.
I wish you enough happiness to keep your spirit alive.
I wish you enough pain so that the smallest joys in life appear much bigger.
I wish you enough gain to satisfy your wanting.
I wish you enough loss to appreciate all that you possess.

I wish you enough “Hello’s” to get you through the final “Goodbye.” "

Going back

“Sometimes you put walls up not to keep people out, but to see who cares enough to break them down.”
I am survivng and recovering. And I am still so sorry for not being able to express myself or share myself and my problems. I know who my friends are. I don't know why I didn't go to them. And I am still regretting it. I've been fixing myself for too long; I think I am too used to dealing with it all on my own.

“A friend is someone who understands your past, believes in your future, and accepts you just the way you are.”
After everything that's happened, I still have a long way to go.
I am so used to being alone that it is hard for me to really rely on people when I need them most. I think I may just be afraid, scared that I won't be me anymore. I have spent too much of my life hiding things from myself, and, I guess, also ignoring or denying that they are a part of me.
My friends... how can I accept myself?

Writing is a healing process for me. It works better than running though not as much as drawing and painting. Expressing myself through art is the best way for me to work through things.

And I now.. I reallly know that I have you to count on... t ohelp me through, because

“Even though we've changed and we're all finding our own place in the world, we all know that when the tears fall or the smile spreads across our face, we'll come to each other because no matter where this crazy world takes us, nothing will ever change so much to the point where we're not all still friends.”
Hey there, I am no stranger to you. I am the one you looked to when things weren't right. The one you've seen beside you always- that voice in your mind telling you to be proud of yourself, but in such a small voice that I was often ignored... though I was with you always.
And now, I have come to stay. You have found yourself, my dear. You have found your place, your purpose, so to speak. You have finally become something greater and you belong here.

Remember those many, many days and nights, when you used to cry yourself to sleep and wish to get away? when you would terrorize sheets of paper with your beautiful but often troubling poetry? Those pages of your soul glazed with a heavy, salty gloss? do you know where they are now? They sit together, neatly presented next to your new life... the one that never showed what you went through to get where you are now. You have done well hiding all that you are from the world, but I know you never forgot it. You carried all that with you. Sometimes, though few, falling over. And now, don't you see? you are not alone... never as you thought before. 'Your faith has saved you', not because you asked and waited patiently, but because you shared it. And it has brought you the people you hold dear to you.
You need to let them know....

But more importantly now, you need to honour yourself. Too many days of your life you laugh and listen and smile and cry- all for others. I know you are a great person; you are genuine and true. You are a lifesaver and a dreamer. You are careful and cautious and caring. You dare the life out of yourself- you live for the smiles of others and their own happiness... but you wait patiently for your own to come along.

And you never see it coming. You live your life from one happy moment to the next, and you find an appreciation for everything you do- because you have had too much sadness in your past already. Too much for one as great as you. But perhaps that is why you are so great- perhaps it is your past that made you this way. But no- We both know it is because of your past. We know that you avoid any new situation that could bring up a flashback. You avoid experiences that would resurrect your terror. You avoid confrontations and conflict because you know that it might be the same.
Your whole life you grew up to be all that your childhood wasn't . you grew to be different than where you came from. No one should have to know or have to share that part of you. And you do everything you can to keep it at bay. Everything you can to ensure no one else has to suffer through it as you. And that no one hides it as you have.

And this is where you belong. You have found your passion, you have enjoyed it and it has brought you genuine happiness. Though you live each day now with your past hanging out in your mind, you know its place now- it is a reference... it is an experience, and it is a motivation. you recognise who you are and who you have become. And you know why you are this way. And that is why you are so successful. But no one can ever, ever know. And that is why you will never be shown true gratitude specifically. But you are a miracle, you know. From the beginning there was something more to you. You can see that spark of sincerity behind hiding or lying eyes. You have that ability to calm anxiety, though none of it your own. You can smile and bring one everywhere you go. You can share your passions in this life with others like yourself. And because of what you know and have been through- you make the greatest difference in the future generation, one child at a time.
This, dear, is where you belong; using your past and preserving the qualities of today's youth. Referencing your experiences to make connections and differences. And you succeed. This is where you belong, making these differences. And I know that you will, and you will seek out opportunities to do so.

You are a genuine and remarkable individual. And I am proud of you- for all of your accomplishments, your downfalls, your successes and failures because I know that you take each for its own and give it due credit for its impact on you now. But I am most proud of you for finally being able to see how much of a good and great person you are. And nothing says that more than when you finally spell it out for the world to see if it wants to. Even if you are not being very direct.

Because you and I are the same.